Schrodinger's Baby

 This morning at around 1:30AM I woke up, stressed that Baby B had passed.  I had a sick feeling that she had, but as I woke further I realized it was simply fear.  I don't know how to explain this difference that exists within myself, but I can somewhat 'feel' the source of a feeling.  When the nurse gave us a 3D image of both girls, I had a feeling that she'd seen something much worse than what we'd been told.  For lack of a better phrase, this was intuition or intuitive feeling.  It was foreboding, but with a strong ring of truth.  What I realized I was feeling at night was something closer to panic, anxiety, or fear.  It wasn't based on any deeper intuition or sensitivity.  It also wasn't based on spiritual clarity, which is a different place I can sometimes 'feel' things from.  I also realized that Simon was rolling around in his sleep, clearly uncomfortable.  That was probably what had me stressed in my sleep and what woke me up.

Simon then woke up, and I tried to help him go back down.  While walking him around, I felt like it was hot in our room.  Looking at the thermostat, I saw that it was 76 but set to 72.  I tried to get it to cool, but it said remote control was overridden by main control.  Eventually I realized I had to turn on the 'on/off' button (which is basically on a timer), and it started cooling again.  Once calm, I prayed things through and realized I didn't have a strong true feeling if Baby B was dead or alive.  I had hints she was alive--in prayer and hope, I had a feeling she was.  I also thought I'd felt physical movement the night before--Tella couldn't, so either I was wrong in my palpation or she is still a bit out-of-touch with that zone of her body from the procedure and subsequent changes.  I have some doubt because, in general, she can tell WAY better than me.  That said, this definitely felt like the movement I've felt when they kick or move at other times to my hand.  Still, though that made me feel like she was alive before I went to bed, that didn't clarify how she may be doing now.

In the morning, I texted our coordinator about not feeling much movement and maybe not feeling any movement, and she said that I could call a midwife at the line on the discharge papers, because she didn't want to give wrong information.  I could respect that and told her I wasn't that worried, which is true.  I told her IF we became that worried, we would call.  That said, there's nothing they can do until the ultrasound check tomorrow, anyway, so I didn't see much point in calling.  She then said that Baby B had extra fluid, so Tella might not feel her right away due to that, also.

Part of me wants to demonstrate trust in God by not worrying and by praying things over, but I also realize His answer to my prayers for Baby B's survival could be 'no.'  I really pray it's not that way, but it's impossible to know unless He tells us or until we see the ultrasound Friday.  I can run my head around through things, but at the end of the day I have no spiritual, intuitive, or other perception as to whether Baby B is with us or isn't.  Tella will tell me if she feels movement, and she hasn't said anything yet, which does generate a bit of anxiety in me.  Whenever that goes to fear, though, I pray and realize that it doesn't actually necessarily mean anything.

For those who have read physics at all, this is a bit like Schrodinger's cat.  We are in a state where, to us, it is unknown whether Baby B is alive or dead.  As we walk in this lack of knowledge, it's a bit like she is both.  Fears want to play one way, hopes want to play another.  Information wants to throw in the 90% survival rate, but fears wonder if the extra heat from re-doing the procedure a second time could change that.  The studies they have done about a 4th burn cycle conclude that there is no increased risk of fetal demise on Twin B if they have to do a 4th RFA application, but that is not the same as a second entry into the uterus followed by further RFA applications.  Dr. Soni initially said failing to get the cord has never happened when she had run to my room the day before.  She then corrected herself and said it had happened one other time on a baby whose anatomy was very strange, but not quite as strange as Grace's.  (For technical details, since most of Grace's organs are external and her spine bends at an almost 90 degree angle, the cord insertion was not where it should be.  They did get a cord there the first time, but the main line actually came in from Grace's side near her ribs instead.  They got this one on the second pass).  In some quiet moments I will stress over these things and run through them all, but ultimately I realize it makes no difference and we'll find out tomorrow.  Then I pray my worries over, do deep breathing, and get back to life.  Strangely, I basically forget about it the rest of the time and just exist trying to be a good parent to Simon or taking care of things that need done in the room or things like this entry here.  I would say 90% of my day has been almost alarmingly normal.  It's only in certain moments that the anxiety will strike, and then I process through it, and eventually I return to normal.  Writing this conundrum down again is actually re-triggering it, so I will stop writing here shortly, pray, do deep breathing, and get back to other work once I've normalized.  

If you are reading this, please continue to keep us all in your prayers, and thanks for all the prayers, intentions, and helps up until now.